Currently Roseanne - The Complete First Season By Roseanne, John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, Michael Fishman, Sara Gilbert see related

Hello.

It's been a looong time since I last wrote on this. Does anyone visit Xanga anymore? Who knows. Buut... I was just reading my old blogs and they seriously kinda made me laugh. I was going on and on about how I will never find love, and how I hate living at home, blah blah blah...

things are totally the opposite of that right now. Here's why:

1. I have a new job now.. making twice as much money as before. Yeah.
2. I'm in love. It's really quite wonderful.
3. We're looking at renting a house. It may actually happen.
4. I'm almost finished with school.

Oh, and that guy I'm in love with... here's the best part. We're engaged. And we're getting married on September 12 of 2009. I bought my dress, and I look like a cupcake in it. Which means it's perfect. :) :)

So yeah, things are going really great. And I think my ups and downs with love and friends are actually over.

Currently Watching X-Men - The Last Stand (Widescreen Edition) By Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Famke Janssen see related

I wish I were Carrie Bradshaw.

I'm extremely restless right now. I've been trying to get to sleep for about an hour now, and I can't stop getting up to check the computer, up to go to the bathroom, look out the window... and my mind is racing through a million different topics right now.

School. Am I doing the right thing becoming an English major? Will I EVER graduate?
Guys. My lack of a love life is seriously depressing.
Friends. The one that matters most has no use for me anymore. See previous blog.

My mind kinda sounds something like this right now.

My stomach hurts. I think I have an ulcer. Maybe a tumor. Can you get tumors in your stomach. I hope not. Maybe I just ate something weird. I ate Wendy's. Did Wendy's give me food poisoning? Are you supposed to go to the hospital for something like that? Why do hospitals make you sit in the waiting room for so long? I hate sitting for too long, my knee locks up. Maybe I should go to the doctor. They make you sit just as long. I'm sick of sitting around; I should start dancing again. Mac has a dance team. Perhaps I'll try out. Can I make it? Of course I can. I'm great.

That seriously all just went through my mind. I need a drink.

My fruitless attempt at sleeping earlier may have something to do with the fact that I'm distracted. I've been thinking about my relationship situation lately. It's not that I NEED a boyfriend, in fact, I hate when girls say that. We're supposed to be independent now, we dont' NEED a man's help! But I'd certainly like to have one. Maybe just some man candy I can have around whenever necessary. But regardless, I haven't even kissed a boy since about November, and that's the saddest thing in my life right now. And it seems everyone around me is finding someone. Everyone's getting married. Or engaged. Or starting a new relationship. Or finding out that someone likes them and they have that stupid new crush giddy thing going on that I hate but secretly wish that I had. And then there's me. I'm everyone's stupid single friend that they feel sorry for so they try to set them up with a guy their boyfriend knows only to have it end with him trying to make out with me in my car.

And because I haven't even kissed a boy since November, EVERYONE is starting to look good. I even found my TEACHER attractive the other day. What?! So I'd better find someone good FAST before I end up randomly hooking up with a guy that I'd never even consider on a normal basis. Sorry to those who are reading this and thinking, "This is waay to much information!" But it's late, I'm rambling, and once you get these fingers going, they can't stop.

It's so funny that I love guys so so much, yet when the opportunity arises to actually talk to one, I freak out and bolt. Let's take this classmate of mine. He's a little older, but when I first saw him, I thought he was really cute. So, a friend gave him my number, and then he called me. That rarely happens. So what do I do? Lose interest because I freaked out, made a really lame excuse about how he was too old for me and not my type, and then tried to set him up with someone else. Regardless, he was too old, but he was a cutie, and a really nice guy. Blew that chance. Oh well, there's plenty other fish in the sea. Except they've all found other girl fish and they don't need my lame ass. Yikes, this blog is getting out of control.

I think my main problem is I spend too much time fantazing about the perfect movie relationship. I see these things on TV and wish I could have it, and then when something nice comes along, I don't realize it because it didn't happen the way Carrie meets Mr. Big on Sex and the City. But I do not want to settle. I want an amazing relationship, not just some guy who likes the same music as me. (Which is still very important to me, if you love Nickelback, then it's buh bye for you.) But maybe those aren't real. Who knows.

Sorry that you all had to read this, if you made it to the end. These thoughts were just rolling around inside my head, and this seemed like the right place to let them out.

Currently Reading The Bell Jar By Sylvia Plath see related

I've got friends in low places... or maybe it's NO places. :/

I'm getting old.

Twenty-two certainly doesn't seem old, but oh, I'm definitely feeling it. My little cousin is driving my car with a permit. My nephew is crawling. I'm not looking as great as I used to, and that really stinks.

What do I have to show for my nearly twenty-two years on this Earth? Not a lot, that's for sure. I feel like I'll never graduate. All my friends are graduating. And here I am, stuck in college forever. Oh, and I'm living at home.

Reading all this makes me realize I am stuck in a rut. I hate this. I really want a place of my own, some independence. I'm twenty one, and still live at home? There's no excuse for that. I am so broke, there's no way I could afford a place of my own. Steak n Shake is not cutting it with my 4.50 an hour paychecks. I'm unable to make a relationship work. I keep screwing up everything that comes my way. It's my stupid trust issues. First Bryan cheated on me. And as if that wasn't a blow to my self-esteem, Derek did the same. And what did I do? Forgave him, and stayed with him. The only thing that did to me was make me realize I'm weak. I hate being weak. At the time, I thought that Derek was just confused, we were supposed to be together... whatever. I realize now that relationship should have been a summer thing, because him leaving for school in the fall screwed everything up, hence the trust issues. He knew what he was doing when he was with that girl, and there's no excuse for it. I should have moved on, and I need to find someone who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I'm sick of people walking all over me. I'm NOT the kind of person to allow that.

Guys are the least of my worries, however. And I'm finally getting out of debt, which is great. And... I decided what I want to do with my life. Next semester should be very exciting and new for me. English is a perfect major for me, and when I become the next Chloe Sullivan, you can all kiss the ground I walk on. :)

Unfortunately, someone has to put a dark cloud over my head. And that someone has made me see that maybe our friendship wasn't as fabulous as I made it out to be. Lately I feel like I'm being used, that I'm only being called, and we only hang out with it benefits that person. This person has been around for a long time, which makes realizing this really crappy. I thought he was my best friend, but maybe I was wrong. We go weeks without talking, and when we do, it's nothing more than a two minute conversation. We don't hang out when he's home, and I think that the reason he, no one for that matter, are calling me to hang out is because no one wants to put me and Derek in the same room, and because we have mutual friends, it's inevitable. It's not like if I'm hanging out with my friends and he shows up I'm gonna have a panic attack and make him leave. I have no problem seeing him. Like I said, it's inevitable. But apparently no one else thinks that way so when everyone's home, I never get called, which means I sit at home and wonder where my friend's are.

Whatever.

If you've actually made it to this part of my blog, that means you've put up with my pointless ranting, and maybe I actually have more friends that I give myself credit for. But I doubt that anyone's made it this far.

I probably wouldn't have. :/

Currently Listening Everything in Transit By Jack's Mannequin I'm Ready see related

in an empty room on the first floor...

...as the cars pass by the liquor store...

Lemme tell you about this amazing night I had Wednesday night.

So Derek Carls and I decided we should go to this Jack's Mannequin concert.

This was quite possibly the best decision I have ever made.

If you've never seen Jack's Mannequin live, you are certainly missing out. This was seriously the best show I've been to, and I'm a BIG Hanson fan as you all know, and I've seen them three times. So if I'm putting JM above these guys, you know something's up.

Andrew McMahon is amazing. There really aren't even words to describe this man.... he's incredible... a genius. His energy onstage last night was so awesome.... you can't go to a JM concert and not get totally pumped. (His dancing skills kick ASS, by the way) At one point during the show, he crowd surfed... I nearly peed my pants... it was so great.

And then came after the show... Derek and I waited in the FREEZING cold (it was bad, my fingertips were purple and I couldn't even tell if I was walking on my frozen toes) just hoping that Andrew would come sign some shit for us.

So after wising up, we decided to go get my car and pull it around to the parking lot by the venue so we could stay warm.... and after staying in there for a bit, people start getting out of their cars, and this one chick next to us is pointing to the venue... he was totally out there. So we freaking booked it (I almost fell on some ice) and waited in the line to see Andrew. I couldn't see him at first so I thought maybe some eager fans were totally lying... but then... over this freakishly tall girl in front of me... I see his beautiful face. I almost peed my pants again.

During the show I was thinking of all these cool things to say to Andrew (and I was totally gonna hit on him too) but the moment I was in front of him I could say nothing... except... "you guys f**king rocked" 

WHAT??!

Yeah... so... one autograph and two pictures later... we were on our way home listening to the sounds of Everything in Transit (which I am listening to now.. "Bruised" is on).

Best night ever. Hands FREAKING down.

"I don't have the fucking skin-I don't have the skin for this.... fuck."

-Andrew McMahon

Currently Watching City of Angels By Nicolas Cage, Meg Ryan, Andre Braugher, Dennis Franz, Colm Feore, Robin Bartlett, Joanna Merlin, Sarah Dampf, Rhonda Dotson, Nigel Gibbs, John Putch, Lauri Johnson, Christian Aubert, Jay Patterson, Shishir Kurup, Brian Markinson, Hector Velasquez, Marlene Kanter, Bernard White, Dan Desmond see related

whaat? Two months?!

Oh Em Gee, it's been almost two months since I last wrote in this thing.

Things are certainly diferent since I last wrote on here. Like I was going on and on about Bryan... HA! Lets get real... that guy was craazy. Like I seriously think he's bipolar or something.... anyways, that relationship was crap. Aaaand, of course, now I like his brother, Jacob. This guy is the complete opposite of Bryan... which means he is totally amazing. But I don't even stand a chance there.... this guy does NOT have any sort of feelings towards me... BAH that's the way it usually goes.

But don't be mistaken, this doesn't mean that my mood has changed since the last blog- I am still totally happy. In fact, I've been in an unusually good mood for the past few months. I think it's because I decided to stop screwing around and do something with my life. So, I'm going back to Lincoln Land starting January 16. And I'm getting waaay more hours at work, so I'm making some sweet moolah.

My sister is living with us now, and so far, it's been a blast. Her and I have like a ton of stuff in common... it's so much fun having someone my own age around.

Well, I'm running out of things to say, so in conclusion, things are fantastic.... so don't ruin it for me. :)

Oh, PS.... I'm going to see Taking Back Sunday and Jack's Mannequin soon. OH YEA.. things are great. :)